My last post was in 2022, however I don't think I actually remember writing it, nor do I remember much of the past 2 years. My life has been hectic a bit of horrible nightmare but every time I wake up, that nightmare is actually my reality!
Have you ever felt that you have be dealt the worst hand in certain aspects of your life? Like no matter what you do or say, things just still don't seem to go your way or improve??
Well this is me and how I have been feeling over the past 2 and bit years! maybe even longer but hey remember that smile we all put on I've been wearing mine daily and staying on auto pilot mode so I didn't have to deal with life it's self.
So your probably wondering what's happened, well lets begin at the beginning shall we! We all remember that dreaded ring of fire that was put up in Victoria during Covid separating metro and country what a bloody joke that was but unfortunately for me all my family was in Metro and well I was country which stopped us from seeing each other..... then my heart broke for I didn't expect was I was about to hear. I hadn't seen my Parents since June 2020, and I got a phone call at the end of Oct it was my dad, Hi squirt ( my dad has always called me this) Mums had a stroke and is on her way to Royal Melbourne. Now before I could drop everything, get in the car and go, I had to apply for special consideration to pass over this stupid fucking ring of fire that the government put between us, Thank god it was granted because even if it wasn't I would of went! To cut a long story short the 8th December 2020 was the WORST day of my life, her wings were ready, our hearts were not
and there was nothing any of us could do. That day I lost my Mum, my best friend, the Nanny to my children and the one person that always gave the best advice and cuddles when needed.
Life has never been the same again, the emptiness, the emotional rollercoaster, the days were sadness just consumes you and it's hard to shake it off, the longing to hear her voice, smell her sent or even just to sit and watch good ole Bold and the Beautiful with her.
Navigating the next 12 months was hard ( I'm sure the first 6 months was a dream) but then the big man upstairs decided to through another big heart break my way, my dads way and his beautiful baby sister was given the news that her fight ( Cancer) was now to much for her body. She was the one Aunty that continued to check in on me to make sure I was ok, my family was ok and now the reality was we were going to lose her also. I knew the pain that my beautiful cousins were going feel, and there is nothing you can do to prepare anyone to lose a parent let alone there mum.
The news came, I was numb I honestly didn't know how much more I could physically and mentally take, to remain strong and composed for my dad and my brothers to help them through I think, allowed me to take the focus of me and I was kind of forgotten about, seen as the strong one where deep down I was drowning, I was so numb and emotionless that I stopped relying on people, no one really was there for me not physically anyway, I'm not as strong as people may think it's all a show when really my throat is burning holding back tears, I want to yell and scream and fall in heap and have someone there that holds me, lets me feel safe and loved... but again this wasn't the case, my husband kept me at arms length and showed no compassion towards me at all.
At the time my husband didn't understand not fully, how could you when you have never lost anyone of great significance, or was it that he just didn't really care?? This I went on to find out next with the next big throw this in your fucking face KATE!!!!
The words I"M DONE via text, wow what could be worse..... well to be honest I could think of quite a few, but for now it was this! 15 years together give or take 9 years of marriage, 2 beautiful children and it's all over in the blink of an eye, blindsided and still no real explanation. My life as I knew it no longer existed that way, I was / am still navigation life without my Mum, but now without my husband. I had to learn to be a fulltime mum ( not that I wasn't already), a fulltime working mum, a grieving mum, a single mum, and left in a town with no support and family (apart from my dad) or real close friends that came around and checked to see if the kids and I were alright!
Mentally I was fried, I was a nervous wreck, fight and flight mood was in full swing, unable to eat, sleep, turn off my mind. Physically I was becoming a shell of myself, but at the same time I was finding myself again that girl, the woman that had been lost and closed off for years, the woman I had suppressed. It was like a re birth, a phoenix coming out of the fire.
I'm not going to lie and say after that re-birth it was easy because it's not and I have days / weeks where I still struggle with everything my mental health keeps me on this rollercoaster and quite frankly I just want a break, I want to refund my ticket and never had got on, but unfortunately life has other plans.
I've got scars big scars especially from my husband leaving, these I will not hide and for anyone that may or may not be or have gone through something of great significance don't hide it, voice your concerns be that with family, a new partner, counselling, friends etc. Don't make old wounds bleed and hurt by not saying anything because how are we supposed to heal, move forward and make a beautiful life when we at first glance aren't helping those around us to see what is causing us to relive old wounds.
Throughout this journey one thing that has helped and continues to help is journaling, it's allowed me to write my deepest thoughts and feelings onto paper and get them off my chest and out of my head, walking by the river with music blasting in my ears and going to the beach and re-grounding put my feet in the winters cold water and just embracing everything about it. The ocean is a beautiful place to re discovery YOU, the ocean doesn't listen to what others think about it, it's clam when it's happy, it is powerful when it's angry, it's flirty and fun when it's joking, and most of all it's beautiful all the time.
here's to healing, moving forward and enjoying the small beautiful things in life we take for granted.
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